DW Exposed

I would like to first extend an apology to a certain S.J.R. I did not ditch him to see 'Old School' with his brother, it was 'School of Rock'. Although, I did see 'Old School' with out him when I was in mammoth. Could possibly be one of the best "going to the movies" experiences I have had in my life. It ranks up there with EB, the Banks Brothers and I sneaking forties into the UA Marketplace in Pasadena to see Loaded Weapon (not Lethal Weapon) when we were in High School. But nonetheless, it was 'School of Rock' not 'Old School', so sorry SJR. Second however, I will NOT be apologizing for blaming you for the Breakfast Burrito Massacre as it will be referred to as, here on out. The 'girl' you hope(d) to pass blame on was merely a delivery person, a "messenger" if you will. She had nothing to do with the ordering or creation of the decimated Breakfast B. She simply and unknowingly delivered that abortion to my house. I told YOU what I wanted, and YOU understood it fully. The fatal mistake (or murdering) was made in your “attempt” to order it. The blood is on your hands! You will be the sole holder of the burden of blame for the Breakfast Burrito Massacre for the rest of your life. There is nothing that I or anyone else can do about it. If I could go back in time and change things, Oh!, trust me I would. But I can’t, and you will have to take that guilt with you everywhere you go. Herb Brooks put it best when he said, “You will take it to your grave, your fuckin’ Grave”. So put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

I Literally Pissed Myself

One of my favorite topics is the misusage of the word literally. It all derived from some David Cross sketch my buddy Juice forced us to listen to on a trip to Mammoth. I use “forced” in the same sense as, (I was forced to play Beirut) or (I was forced to hook up with this really hot chick last night and she had a shaved…) you get the picture. Needless to say, the CD might be one of the funnier things I have ever listened to. There are a couple of levels of misuse that I commonly hear. There is the slight use, where they intend to use it to exaggerate or emphasize the intensity as in, “Dude, last night was literally crazy”. This type I don’t take as much of an offense to as the blatant abusive kind. An infomercial I recently saw used it in this term, “Your taste buds will literally explode”. This is supposed to sell me on the product? So I am supposed to by this cooking pot, microwave, egg cooker, blender, juicer or whatever, so I can never taste again? Basically you are telling me that not only are you too stupid to realize that this is incorrect, you think your customers are morons as well. I guess most product sellers feel their audience are slightly more intelligent then a bowl of rice, but it still pisses me off. Another example is a commercial I hear on the radio about this wrinkle remover for your skin, “Dr. so-and-so will literally turn back the hands of time, naturally”. Wow! If he has the ability to go back in time, why do I need this wrinkle cream? Oh, wait. If I go back in time, I would still have wrinkles on my face, just everyone around me would be younger, so how does that work? So this “doctor” will make me feel older, not younger. Friggin morons. On 4th of July 2004, I was “almost” caught misusing the term. My aforementioned buddy walked into the garage and I said, “F that guy, literally F that guy”. So this chick sitting next to me says, “literally?”, trying to call me on the use. Well, being the quick witted stud that I am, I turn to her and say, “Yeah, you should literally F that guy”*. This habitual notation of the word literally has lead my house (at least as I left it) to have a board designated to these types of travesties. The worst part of all of this, is because so many of Americans can’t figure out how to properly mix-in literally, the actual definition has changed. If you look up the most current definition, it is no ok to use it as a synonym of figuratively. I love this type of cop-out by our society. It just goes to show you that the old time withstanding saying holds true, “circle enough morons together in a covered wagon and you change almost anything, literally”. I think we should start a movement to change the word luminescent to mean very bright. Or better yet, I think we should be able to combine similar words to create actual new words that next year will appear in Webster’s Dictionary. My additions for 2005 will be, “dramastic”, “seriousity”, “illuminous” and, although it is not combining two words, I think “prolly” should be synonymous with “probably”.



*I didn’t literally say “f” instead I used the word “fuck”. But I thought using that word multiple times in my story may be tacky, so I chose to drop “fuck” and replace it with “f”. So, fuck off you fucking fucker.

Why did the Chicken...

A friend of mine believes there should be 100% Death Tax. Meaning, when you die, all of your possessions, property, money, everything goes to the Government. No willing things to your kids, no leaving land to your grandchildren, nothing. He says that this is some basis for socialism, and that with this type of system, everyone will get a fair start. Yet, as my fellow anti-socialist pointed out, what would stop the Government from Sniping Billy Gates as soon as this legislation was passed. Wouldn't this type of law make euthanasia a fore gone requirement? As I told my buddy, D-funk, if type of Death Tax ever came about, we can surely kiss the possibility of legalization of prostitution out the window (or throw it goodbye...). Because, if I was 75 years old, had a bunch of money I wasn’t allowed to give to my kids, I'm sure you can imagine what I would be doing 24 hours a day. You would think we were Siamese twins, for crying out loud. Think about it.....

I hate how celebrities even voice their opinions at all (referring to the Driver's License ad in Variety). Any person who considers taking political advice from Joaquin Phoenix, William Defoe, Madonna (not Brett Banner), Shannon Tweed or The Dixie Chicks, needs to be dragged outside and doused with gasoline. Just because you are really good at playing make-believe, or were lucky enough to be created by a large enterprise (see: Madonna & Dixie Chicks), doesn't mean you should voice your thoughts, ever. Especially if you are the Dixie Chicks. The next time I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. If it wasn't for the two tall twins, the short fat one would be barefoot and pregnant, handcuffed to a stove. Now she thinks her views on the War on terror need to heard? Blow me.

Top five things I would eat first, if I was lost at sea for 200 plus days, but then found land, near to where I grew up (if that makes sense):
5) About 50 tacos from Del Taco. I would probably drench them in Del Scorcho sauce. By probably I mean definitely and by drench I mean some word that is more drenched than drenched, like soaked or drowned.
4) Mama Dell's or Jeanie Rides' Macaroni & Cheese. This make sthe top 5 as long as I get to drink Milk out of a little tin cup that hold about 7 ounces, have access to unlimited supply of said milk, and be able to watch Chi sit on the bench/couch either Chewing his toenails or training the new Marcy/Honey (I think the two new dogs have real names, but they've abandoned me. the names that is). Why this is a requisite, I am not sure. But it seems like every other time I had this meal, one of those two other elements were present, so why stop a good thing.
3) Sandwich Island #30. If you've never been to sandwich island, then you've never eaten at university village on Jefferson and Vermont. Which is probably a good thing, because you shouldn't hang out at University Village unless you wear all Blue and refer to people as 'Cuz.
2) Georgee's Pizza with Mozzo Sticks. I would love to use this place for a poem written for all the girls that John Corpalongo hooked up with while sharing employment at georgees, but I don't really feel like coming up with one. So, instead. John was dirty and you girls are skanks. I think that sums it up.
1) Luckyboy Breakfast Burrito (chili, extra bacon). there really is no other choice but this one. I just hope that when I have lasted over 200 days at sea, and I ask my friend Dimes to order me one, he doesn't get mine with "chicken and no bacon or chili". More on this later*

Why does the list even come up? Well, I'm almost done with Life of Pi, and the main character has been living off of fish eyes and turtle blood for just about 200 days.
2 things that need to be mentioned about the above list. Northwoods Inn and my mom's Enchiladas should be in the top 5, but Northwoods Inn really is only the Cheese bread and the Blue cheese/Cabbage salad, which although I have done it before, does not constitute a real meal. As with regards to my mom's enchiladas, If I was at sea for 200 days, I wouldn't expect my mom to be cooking up anything in the kitchen right away (I hope).

*dimes, I may have gone to see Old School with your brother without you (even though it was your idea and you told me what time the movie was), but you ruined a Lucky Boy Breakfast Burrito. I am not sure which wrong is worse, but if I was to choose, it was yours! You can always see Old School, but you can never, ever get that Breakfast Burrito back. Ever!

Sunday Soda

So it's Sunday (Saturday in the Western World), and there is no football on TV. But after two more weekends, there will be no more Football on any Sundays for a few months. Which really makes me sad. We are scarily close to the Sports abyss called "Spring". Which I think is a good thing, giving us some time to "re-shell" after an NFL season. I know I know, March Madness NBA playoffs are coming. But not the everyday stuff. Anyways, the free time is a good thing, and since my PS2 is broken, I have been spending my free time reading, going to museums or watching Sopranos. Over the course of the last 3 weeks, I have finished the first three seasons and am half way through the 4th. I'm not sure that it is really healthy to watch that much in a short period of time. I find myself, wishing I was I-talian so I would at least have a chance to be a Made-guy, wanting to wear jogging suits as casual wear and thinking that gold watches, pinky rings and thick chains are kinda cool if you think about it.
I was having a dialogue with myself this morning. Actually I was acting out the dialogue of a screenplay I want to write, but that isn't important. Somehow All-sport comes into the conversation. I start to think about how bad of an idea THAT was. Who in their right mind would think to carbonate a sports drink? To borrow from Napoleon (Dynamite, not Bonaparte)"Friggin idiots". Is it sad that if I say Napoleon, we actually have to reference which one? That's the true sign of a great movie. Think of Rocky. No need to explain which Rocky we are talking about, right? But before there was Rocky Balboa, there was the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Before that, Rocky Marchiano. Which reminds me that Philadelphia really is a sad city. It should have been our Nation's capital, but now all it has is Ben Franklin's printing press, Paul Revere's house, a cracked bell and a statue of a Movie Character in front of its library. That has to be the low point of a city. It has already peaked and now it can only be great in a sports sense, so it resorts to putting up statues of men who never existed.
All-sport...Ok, so I was thinking of the 10 worst drink inventions/ideas of our time. All-sport has to be up there, I would say #2 all time. The first one that comes to mind is Crystal Pepsi, obviously. Then New Coke. Remember in the 80's when you had to specify if you wanted Cocoa Cola Classic or New Coke? What a joke. Here there is a new Sprite flavor, i am not sure what the English name is, but I think it is called "Fire". The drink actually makes you more thirsty. Brilliant! So let me get this straight; I'm thirsty, and you want me to drink this "Fire" to make me even more thirsty. Where do I sign? But that is all I could come up with. Jolt? that was a good idea, just wrong timing. I think Diet Caffeine Free anything Soda is stupid. Why even drink soda? go drink water. So if you can think of any other bad drinks, please let me know. I would like to get 10, so I can move on with my life.
Speaking of soda. I have been an avid Diet Coke drinker for the last 10 years. I just recently realized that I like Pepsi better. It was a kick in the nuts. I felt like I had been living a lie. I own Cocoa Cola stocks. I used to go to the CJ's at USC just to get a DC. Now, I'm a Pepsi person and I hate it. It's like I woke up one day and realized I don't like Beer, just Wine Coolers from now on. It's friggin killing me. When I go to the store, I’m more embarrassed to buy a pepsi then I am to buy domes. I hate myself right now. Maybe I'll just be like my friend Chi and drink Dr. Pepper. But then one day I might realize that Dr. Thunder or Mr. Pibb is better. the where would I be. Ok, this has been way too long and I have said absolutely nothing. My next entry will be much more philosophical. It will either be my theory about how men need three women at once to be truly happy or some eastern thoughts on the joyous involvement in our painful lives.

I Felt The Need

I felt the need to start my own blog, since most of my blog related events are posting comments on other's blogs (read: Dell and Dimes). The rest of my low-level creative talent is consumed in my ill attempts at burning Juicer, or along those lines. On occasion, and by occasion I mean every few hours, I have these rants that need to be outletted. If it's not some rant, then I have some thought or opinion that may or may not have been also pondered by you. these may be some fear I have, or pleasure in taking...you know. So, with not-much anticipation, here is Side's Blog. I wanted some other name, but for some reason there is another Sideburn out there. How on earth two people (maybe a million for all i know) could both be called Sideburn, blows my mind. Which leads me to this little ditty. For those of you familiar with LCHS Basketball lore, there was a much heralded coach named Patty G, who had since left the LC system and began coaching Girls' (not girl's Seaster-bunny) Varsity ball. Unbeknownst to me, he had been charged with some sort of sexual molestation, inappropriate behavior unbecoming of a High school Coach, who knows. the point is, SMHS made these allegations, and I assume he was fired. Well, it seems these accusations were "bogus," baseless and they were eventually dropped. Patty then did, what any reasonable person would do, He sued. Today I found out, from my brother-in-blogging, that PG won. And won big, in the 4.5 million dollars area of big. Nice one Patty. My first reaction of disbelief (and no I didn't go through all seven stages of emotional blah blah blah), then some anger at someone getting over so good. Then, when you realize that he will have to go through the rest of his career with this label on him, because a city was taking a knee-jerk approach, you feel sympathy.But then...But then I remembered that PG was the one who named me "Sideburn" on one cold, dreary, possibly November afternoon, while playing RBI baseball at RB's house. The man created "Side", but had never been given his due credit. Only in obscurity, was he referenced when discussing the creation of his. So, I say kudos to you Patty G, it was a long time coming.