The Quickie

A few quick points today’s, as I am trying to get out of here early tonight.

• Not sure if you read this or not, but Eric Wright , USC's starting CB was arrested this weekend for alleged Rape charge. In all seriousity, I feel for the girl and the girl's family. Rape is complete bullshit. But on a cynical, if there was a hell I'd be going to it for sure, note; Isn't this JUST how last year started? Man, its like the Yankees and cancer. If somebody had it, the won. Well, if USC repeats this year by winning the Rose Bowl... I think I've said enough
• $18.13 is a great price for all you-can-eat Teppanyaki AND all-you-can-drink beer and sake. Going there on Friday night before you go out, is a great idea. Less than $20 and you get completely bombed. However, playing king-of-the-hill with full mugs of cold sake, is never a good idea.
• Memo to people who read "The Sports Guy". Just because HE says it was/is a good show, does not by any means make it so. Miami Vice was NOT a good show. It was stupid, the outfits were very stupid and Don Johnson is still doing stupid shows. Does anyone besides our parents watch Nash Bridges? The only thing that makes Miami Vice DVD remotely cool, is the fact that Grand theft Auto turned it cool. The 80's were owned by The A-Team and That is That. I'm really starting to turn on this Bill Simmons guy and I have the feeling you are too. Nobody cares about "Fast Break" or whatever show you are pimping. I'd like your take on something remotely sports worthy, or entertaining. Just regurgitating Rocky III lines and Hoosiers references is getting quite old. I liked it better when you were coming up with creative pieces like How to Win Your Fantasy Draft (or piss off your buddies). Seems ever since you got married, you became a f-ing [cat]. Sorry, this turned into more of a memo to Bill, then his readers.
• When Bruce Willis played himself in Ocean's Twelve, do you think he ever messed up or got out of character? Do you think he was really trying to play himself, or just a combination of John McClane, David Dunn and Butch? All we know Bruce as is his movie parts, so who knows if he is really like that. And how does Julia Roberts go about playing somone trying to be Julia Roberts? Tonight I'm going to act like someone trying to act like me.

That's all I got. A lone wolf there starin' back at me...

Wanna Buy Some Wood?

Last Saturday, in my hungover/comatic state I decided to watch a bunch of DVDs I had bought, but didn’t have time to watch.

1) Where the Buffalo Roam, staring Bill Murray as Hunter S. Thompson. I was expecting a never heard of version of Stripes, or at least Ghost Busters. But that never came. This was a weird one to watch, I wouldn’t really recommend it to anyone. But I liked it. This movie did remind me of a debate one time, that the 80s didn’t have any hot chicks in movies. Which I think is blasphemy. There were plenty of hot chicks in movies in the 80’s. The only difference is all of those chicks were only in one movie, and then never heard of again. I think this proves, without a reasonable doubt, that the “casting couch” was a deciding factor into who would play the leading female roles. Ahh, the “casting couch, I wish we could still use those now-a-days, friggin sexual harassment. Imagine using the “casting couch” when hiring an intern for the summer…
2) Taxi, staring no one you’ll know. This French movie is what they based the Jimmy Fallon, Queen Latifah Mega-hit on. However their remake, like anything with Fallon involved, was a terrible. Looking it up on IMDB, I just realized Fallon’s character’s name was Washburn. I think I’ll go drink a pint of Drano and chase it with some jacks. Anyways, I didn’t watch the Latifah version, but I did watch this French one, which was actually pretty cool. There’s a really hot French chick, and some good-to-great chase scenes with sweet/epic crashes. I’d recommend this one, if you are looking for something different. One thing I’d like to mention is, although the French are smelly, rude, wimpy spineless freaks who openly support terrorists and who’s army could probably be defeated by a WNBA team, they have some damn beautiful women.
3) Closer, staring Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Jude Law and Clive Owen. I can’t say enough about how much I liked this movie. First of all, Portman as a Stripper can never be a bad idea, but that only scratches the surface. That just gets me in my seat. The movie stays within the 4 main characters for the entire movie (there are only 6 listed in the credits). I’ve heard (since I’m not “Industry” people) that there is always a struggle between balancing plot development and character development. I think limiting it to 4 main characters, helps in the balance. What I can’t say enough about, however, is the dialogue. Closer displayed some of the most “real” dialogue I’ve ever seen on screen. Things I’ve felt in a relationship, and sometimes asked, but never pushed for the truth, are geniusly brought to light in this movie. At one point Julia Roberts is reviewing a book that Jude Law writes, and her synopsis is identical to the one I would give the movie. Great insight into the male mind and persona, and in now way a comedic one. I don’t want to give anything away, so I won’t say anything more, but it was one of the best movies I’ve seen in years, no exaggeration. And Natalie Portman as a stripper can never be a bad idea.

Whenever you hear “The Rose” by Bette Midler, do you think of the Happy Hands Club?

Memo to Aaron Karo: While I do admit I found some of your newsletters funny, you DO NOT speak for all dudes. “Around The Horn” is one of the worst sport shows ever invented. You should be ashamed to admit you liked it.

Memo to The Guy who lived in my apartment before me: Thank you for your genuine concern of my wellbeing. Thank you for protecting me from such cinematic atrocities that come in the form of NC-17 and Unrated movies. Thank you setting the DVD player to not play movies over an R rating. Furthermore, thank you for not leaving the password that would allow me to TURN OFF THE PARENTAL LOCK! Needless to stay, I spent two hours trying to “unlock” the parental lock buy guessing your code. Unable to guess it, I started where any smart person would, with 001, 002, 003, 004…I got all the way to 390 when I realized the code can be 4 digits, and I would have to start with 0001. “fuck me”. The funny part, it was all in attempt to watch Sideways, not even porn.

Memo to Demos: Want to buy some wood?

The tri-fecta

I went for the tri-fecta this weekend. Something I haven’t done in quite sometime. The tri-fecta being going out 3 nights in a row, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. This was the normal occurrence when my buddies first moved to Rockham, but I haven’t done this in a while. As I mentioned before, I went out Thursday for St. Patrick’s Day, by far the calmest night of the weekend. I followed up on Friday Night with our new standard of Bowling for Pre-party and then heading out. I’m a huge fan of this new ritual, I love Bowling and I love beer, so…great times. I bowled over 100 both times, not sure if that matter to you or not. But I take that as pretty ok. We typically start bowling around 9:30, bowl two games and head out to the club(s). As in our usual fashion, Friday night was Table at Guandi. Guandi I guess is comparable to Beaches, in the sense that we always end up there, the bartenders, owners and DJ know me. And I’ve seen NBA players in both. The only thing that I found out on Friday, is that they play the same friggin songs every week, like it is a CD. At one point I said, within 5 songs Jump Around will be played. Sure enough, on exactly the 5th song, it was on. While I was excited for myself calling it, I was irate at the CD. They have a DJ, and I know he can play other shit, because whenever I walk up to him he goes, “I know, I know, ‘Eminem’, I’ll play it soon”. He has the headphones on. Jump Around isn’t that popular. Come on dude. Are better than Brandon Goodie? The thing that makes this place much different then Beaches, is that I’m not sure it ever closes. I’ve been there as late as 4:30 am, and it was still bumping. (Can I use that word, “bumping”? probably not). The place has No windows, it’s dark as hell and no one ever leaves. Well, it never seems like people leave, because it is crowded until 4, Well, I got home Friday night, around 4:30 am Saturday morning, so when I woke up at noon, I had no inclination to go out Saturday night. But here’s the rub. I usually party with the same two buddies, with some other randoms mixed in, depending on the venue. But the third guy left Saturday morning to go on a business trip. So, my other friend wanted to go to this chick’s birthday party (who is smoking hot) but he had no “wing man”. Yours truly was nominated, and had no real excuse except being a pussy, to not go out. So I decided to go. We started off by going to this girl’s birthday “party” at this place called Arch. When we got there, we were slapped with the reality that it was a sit down birthday dinner, and no room for us. Luckily some other people were tagging along, and we spent the next two hours throwing down $3 tequila shots and pounding Chivas upstairs. Not knowing where to go next, we decided on Windows, because some dude said he had a half full bottle of tequila there. I had never been, and wanted to keep it that way, but was out numbered. I think this is a good time to mention, that I hate going out where other foreigners are. I always feel like a friggin tourist, the dudes at these joints are complete tools, and the chicks are usually…well like when you are at Milloy’s, and a chick says “Oh, I go to Cal State Dominguez Hills”, kinda like that. So, I had my reservations about this place. What I was given however, was McMooses Shanghai Style. There was a 50 rmb cover (about $6), but that bought you two free drinks. Not bad. But the drink there, well they were 10 rmb for a Jack and Coke, like $1.50. It was everything McMooses was, just substitute Mexican or Armenian chicks, for Chinese ones. At one point, some tron bumped into my friend and spilled his cocktail, which lead to an almost fight. To which I, being the mellow headed dude I am, said, “Dude, that was a 10 rmb drink, I’ll buy you another one, idiot”, which diffused the situation. So after 4 or 5 JD Cokes, 3 or so G&Ts and who knows how many shots, it was close to 4 am and time to go.
Everyone knows how Sunday goes, just constant anticipation for the Night terrors waiting for me when I go to bed that night. I honestly felt like I was a character in The Sims. Bubble thoughts of bed in my head, not knowing if I can make it back to my apartment before I pass out on the concrete for a little while. For those of you that are not aware of The Night Terrors that occur on Sunday Night, let me explain. When you binge drink, which I do, and you pass out, your body does not get to deep sleep mode or REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep as they call it. I’m not sure the scientific reasoning for this, but my assumption is that the alcohol converting to methane, has some impairment on the brain synapse from cease firing. So basically, your brain does not get to go to sleep, just your body. One night of this is ok, leaves you a little groggy, but ok. Two nights, and you are borderline retarded. Three nights, well three nights and by 7pm on Sunday you are hallucinating. The belt on the ground scares me, because I think it is a snake. The towel hanging in my kitchen startles me because I think it is a witch, or leprechaun or something. When you do get to go to sleep on Sunday, your body starts to get the shakes either from the traumatization of the weekend or the alcohol withdrawals. When you sleep, you start to sweat profusely, waking up in a pool of perspiration. Monday morning comes at the blink of an eye. Great times, so say the least.

Yesterday was ST. Patrick’s Day, I hope everyone had a good time. I spent mine in an Irish pub here called O’ Malleys O’ Malleys, obviously drinking Guinness into the wee hours of night. Which got me thinking, I’m not sure if there is a city I have been to, that I haven’t gone into or at least seen an Irish Pub. Shanghai has O’Malleys. The little island of Ios in Greece has The Dubliner. I’ve been to The Fiddler’s Elbow in Florence, where my buddy got head butted by some Aussie. When I went to NYC for Hoboken ST. Patty’s day, needless to say, there were a few, scattered around. When I took a trip to Seattle for work, first place we went was an Irish pub. It just seems that everywhere, the formula works. Strange phenomenon.

Some very random thoughts:

For years I had to take off my shirt every time I took a dump. I’m not sure when is started, but I think sometime in high school. I had this phobia of wiping my ass, and then slipping and literally getting shit on the back of my shirt.

Some know that I have the uncanny ability to say really stupid things to chicks, usually in the late hours of drinking. Although typically the statement is something extremely rude that completely negates any chance of hooking up with said girl. This is an exchange that I think occurred last weekend, but I might be wrong. To preface, it happened in a club, with the hip hop music blaring, around 3am.
Side: (Yelling over the music) What’s your name?
Girl: (Unaudible sound) gggnnn
Side: What?
Girl: (Screaming) June. LIKE THE MONTH
Side: (Thinking…come up with something witty about the month of June. Think of something witty. Think of something witty) June huh? Cool, I was born in July!
-can’t make this stuff up-

Question: Do you ever go through your cell phone and find numbers for people with names like Q#$d8j? You have no idea when you got this number, whom it belongs to, or even if she was hot. Probably you were either too drunk to remember her name (after asking her 13 times throughout the night) or you were too drunk to enter the name in correctly, thinking that you’ll remember the girl’s name in the morning.
Follow up: And why in the hell do I not delete it? Like, I’m afraid I’ll be driving home one day and all of a sudden remember some broad’s name?

I have to finally admit I have a problem. Some people have foot fetishes, or things for tall girls or chicks with huge bombs. I have a thing for ponytails, and it has become disastrous. Last weekend a buddy of mine asked if a certain chick from the night before, was hot and I responded with, “I have NO idea...But she had a PONYTAIL!”.

Have you ever tried to explain to someone that you just met, the debauchery of a Rockhampalace weekend, and all the nuances? Explaining in detail to some girl about how it is ok for your friend to pour a full beer on your head, that it is almost expected, is not an easy thing to do, without looking like a complete idiot. Then, when you get to the story about a guy on your plane flight home from Cabo, recognizing YOU as the most bombed in a club, and you get really excited about it….not good. I’m 27 years old (fuck!), and just last month I got kicked out beaches for pouring a cup of icewater on my own dome because I was sad my buddy who normally pours beer on my head, wasn’t out with us.



Here's a shot of Shanghai in 2010. This city is sinking, by the way.

onlyforcomments

eventually, all roads lead to a row of nike shoes. and a chinese guy runs through it.

March Madness

I was going to write some blog about all of the Pick'em knowledge I've gained over the years. Maybe I would give you some "insider" tips like "Strong Post Play", Senior Leadership", "Team Defense" and "how well teams historically play in e the tournament". But most of you have already filled out your brackets, and or are in some pool with me. So why in the hell would I give you advice on how-to-not win your Pool? Beats me. A couple things I will say; Brackets are won in the Final Four, never before that (unless a huge group are playing, like 50). When in doubt, always assume that Pac-Ten teams blow ass-cock, except for Da 'Cats. They just blow cock. (which reminds me, Juice. I went to that Nike Party, and they had these sweet UofA Nike Kicks. I took some Pics with my phone. I'll email them to ya) Lastly, Duke is Duke. They're on TV More than leave it to Beavaah...Reruns! (I hate Duke).

I will say this (also) about my bracket picking this year. for some reason I fell in love with Wisconsin's Squad. Maybe it's that dreamy Mike Wilkinson. I'm not really sure. But, in the usual "Side" fashion, I've taken them way too far in the Tourney, to do me any good.
Oh, and I have been going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth on this Texas Tech, UCLA game. Even though the winner loses in Round two, it is the principles behind this game. UCLA will find a way to F-me, regardless of the situation. Scenario A) I take 'Tech, UCLA obviously wins, and then goes on a roll, ruining my bracket. B) I take UCLA, and they lose in the first round.
Knowing what I know, and how much I hate UCLA, I will gladly sacrifice a first round game, to see them exit. So, I've taken UCLA to upset Texas Tech in Round One. Have a safe flight home, Bruins. You blow ass-cock and I hate you.


I finished reading State of Fear this weekend. Great book, I highly recommend it. At one point I was extremely upset at Crichton's inability to have deep characters or believable (even exciting) dialogue. At one point there is a conversation with a CPA, that I hope never happens to me. Well, the conversation would be a good one to have, but I hope I never have a CPA as stupid as the one in ths book. Most of my frustration was geared towards an Attorney and his blindness. But then I realized just who "He" represented, and the angry was created by Crichton on purpose. This whole exchange, most definitely made me embarrassed that I even questioned him in the first place. I will not take back any statements I have previously made about his awful endings. There are always atrocious.
There are statistics in the novel, one specifically about how the average temperature of Shanghai has risen 8 degrees in the last 20 years. First, obviously the population of this little town has risen a few. Twenty years ago there were literally (maybe) no skyscrapers around. Now, the horizon is full of them. However, this winter it has snowed here four times. The most recent snowing, occurring this past Friday night. It has only snowed here once in the last 9 years, and no one here can remember it even snowing twice in one year. Funny how the weather in March works.

The Office

I'm not sure how many of you have had the pleasure to see the British comedy show The Office. I'm not even sure when or what channel it would be on. Regardless, please TiVo it, or whatever you kids do nowadays, because it is pure genius. Has to be one of my top 3 favorite comedy shows. My Top 5 are as follows:
1)Family Guy:
2)The Kumars on 42
3)The Office
4)The David Chapelle Show:
5)Who's Line Is It Anyway (the Drew Carry years, not the English one)

To give you a glimpse of Ricky Gervais' genius from The Office, watch This Clip about a book he wrote called Flanimals:

Hi Pot, this is the Kettle. You're Black.

My apologies to John Clayton for pointing out his fault on my last blog. John, if you are reading this, and I know you are, I'm sorry. As you may or may not know, Emily Salier is from the Indigo Girls, not 10,000 Maniacs as my friend Dimes pointed out. Which, I think I feel pretty O.K. about making that mistake. It means I'm not into either of those bands. If you took The Indigo Girls, 10,000 Maniacs and The Cranberries, I probably couldn't tell you who is who. I had to find out her name by searching "chicks voice in 'champagne high' Sister Hazel" on Google. Yet my buddy knows what band she is in, hmmm. I think that's pretty close to correcting someone after they misquoted Ghost. Just, no need to be done. But what am I gonna say? I used to drive a Cabriolet. But it had tinted windows and a sweet sound system, and it wasn't white. Speaking of being accused of being gay, when I was in college if anyone called me "gay" or "such a fag" as with typical fraternity house lingo, I would always respond with, "Dude! I’m only half gay, come on" just to throw them off a little.
(Oh my, I'm not sure if I even want to tell this story. Mom, if you ever read my blog, don’t read this one)
Ok, first let me preface this with those of you that know me well, know I'm a pretty non-homophobic person. I'm very secure with my sexuality and all. I'm pretty, I guess you could say "touchy" with my friends. (This sounds so gay right now, as I write it, but bear with me)I even make lots of references to making out with Derek Jeter, and stupid stuff like that. But by no means am I remotely the slightest bit gay. I would even argue that with my buddy Avon’s “hypothetical” questions, that he’s a closet homo.
(Side note: Last time I was back in the US, I was sitting on Avon’s couch and he pops one of his classic questions. If you were stranded on a desert island, and the only magazine/reading material you had was Play-Girl (Naked Dudes), would you try to beat-it to it? My response was along the lines of “no way!” and that I if I found that mag, I would launch it into the ocean. I would probably just draw naked chicks in the sand, and try to beat it to that)
In college, the half-gay went on for a long time, so long that I think some people started to wonder if I really was half gay. My roommate Coach-Roger and I would always make homo references to spooning the night before, just to piss off our girlfriends and stuff. Kind of like when I tell Dell’s friend, who is a chick, that “Dell was getting a little teethy last night and my whoo-hooo is sore”. Anyways, this type of joking went on for a while. The pinnacle of this was one Saturday morning, I'm laying in bed with my then-girlfriend after just doing what college kids so "in bed" on a Saturday morning. She then turns to me and asks, in the way that ONLY she could ask something like this, and blurts out, "Are you REALLY half gay?".

Friday Night Lights

Hope everyone enjoyed the picture of Juice's twin. It really does look like him, I'm telling you. Here are a few thoughts for you, before I am off to the Nike Party. Supposedly there are going to be bunch of celebrities that you have never heard of like; Jay Chow, Elva, Jolin or some ish like that. Whatever, it should be a good time, and if anything eventful happens, I might or might not tell you about it. You know the drill.

The chick’s voice in Sister Hazel’s Champagne high is intoxicating. I keep replaying the song over and over again, just for her parts. Just to hear her come in with “Champagne high”. The girl is Emily Salier of 10,000 Maniacs. I am sure I had made fun of somebody for having one of their CDs (their being 10,000 Maniacs) but I take it all back. I’m not sure if you can be addicted to someone’s voice, but her’s is like crack. I think I have only listened to U2’s Stuck In A Moment in the same way. You know that part in the bridge, “I wasn’t jumping, for me it was a fall. Its long way down to nothing at AAAAAALLLLLL-AAAALLLLLL”. Whatever, I know it sounds gay, but I’m obsessed with it. Have been for years.

Maybe one of the most disappointing things happened to me the other day. I have to first say, it is one of those disappointments that you weren’t counting on, but when you found out, you were pissed. Like, if you apply for a job and don’t get it, that’s disappointing. But that is not the type I’m talking about. It’s more like opening up the newspaper, and glancing at an article about some old guy who won the lottery from a quick pick ticket he bought at your liquor store. You could have won, had you bought a ticket. But since you never play, its your fault. Ok, that turned into a way too long explanation, sorry. Well, if Dell and I ever wrote a book about our rocking days, and other random thoughts, we would probably struggle for a solid title. Well, I mentioned something to him the other day, unrelated (I thought) and he said, “Is that the name of our book”, the thing I mentioned was “Michael Learns To Rock”. Which, sadly is a name of some terrible British band that is popular in Shanghai because they copied a Chinese song, and put English lyrics to it. And he is taking an awesome book title, and ruining his with gay band. I’m at about “Coyote Ugly” level of disappointment on this one.

I cam across this error by John Clayton today. You know if I am finding errors, you need to check yourself, literally.
“With Bledsoe at the helm, Parcells took the Patriots from one of the worst teams in the league to a Super Bowl. He's not old in terms of age being only 33. Like we said, Parcells went to the playoffs two years ago with a much older Testaverde. It's no wonder this deal was done one day after the Bills released him”

Um, that was Quincy Carter not Vinny that led them to the Playoffs in 2003, Johnny C. Like I said, you betta check yo’selph

If I say “Como se dice -Ballroom Blitz-” what do you think of? Yeah, awesome huh?

For a little political rant. I’m glad our Congress is chiming in on this topic
rather than fixing my social security nightmare, balancing the budget, or figuring out why the hell our health care system blows ass-cock. In all seriousity, does anyone give a fuck about a bunch of millionaires or soon-to-be ones, sticking needles in their ass? Like I’m not already pissed off enough, reading “Imperial Hubris” and “People’s History of The United States”? I’m like a “Black Hawk Down” away from going Boston-Tea-Party on the government, now I got to read about lame-ass congressmen getting their rocks off because they get to hang out with Jose Canseco. To borrow from Aaron Karo, “Fuck ME”!

I Don't Know Much

I don't have much for you guys today, but I did find Juice's long lost Twin Sister. There is something hypnotizing about it, like I know her but I don't.